Voldemorts Bad Day
by Sarawr Smiles
Summary: Set after we see Voldemort in the ministry of magic, 5th book: Order of the pheniox.voldemort gets drunk, and like any wasted dark lord he goes on a side-spliting rampage. feature cooking, singing,drinking,hurtfull-name-calling, and pouting! CRACK!FIC
1. Chapter 1

I'd like to say that I own only a laptop and one sock, none of these include harry potter or anyother brilliant writing. Harry potter is property of J.K. Rowling ALONE!

Yes, this is going to be a chapter story for one (WOOW!) but the chapters will be short and to the point. All reviews will be tresured! If you remember my previous stories, this one will be no different! Buckle up!

Crack!Fic

ideas provided by: Lita

help-getting-off-my-ass by: Ducky'sgirl4ever ( I know I said it'd be done by fed, but...im lazy, sorry!)

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Voldemort flung himself onto his moth-eaten, derelict couch at the Riddle house. He had started living here after worm tail brought him back to full power, he shuddered at the memory of being that small infant-like being, he looked like a cross between a house elf and a snake, not a good look at all. Also not a good look to try and find robes to wear in, he shuddered at the memory of having to wear _hideous _muggle clothing, that bore the tediously degrading name of 'Pumpkin patch'.

Voldemort sneered at the memory, and instinctively reached for his bowl of 'therapy walnuts', a gift from Severus and Lucius and a humours welcome-back gift. Openly, Voldemort would never thank the two gentlemen for their gift, but lately it had come greatly in handy, especially of late. Another memory drifted to mind, and more recent one. Earlier that night, Voldemort had tried to lure Potter – he felt his eyelid twitch at the word "potter"- to the ministry to see if Potter would be dull enough to had over a prophecy he had heard about. Getting Harry Potter to the take the prophecy was easy enough for his death eaters, but they seemed to lack the brains to make sure said prophecy was still intact and fully-functional by the time it got to their master; him.

Urgh. Everything had been going so well, until that ruddy order had turned up, that's when it all went pear-shaped for his dim-witted followers.

Potter was _just_ about hand over the prophecy when he figured that THAT time would be a good moment to grow a friggin' backbone and shatter Voldemorts' one chance of knowing what would happen when he would destroy Potter. Of course the worst part of his evening by far was when he was just about to get Potter, unfortunately the one thing that the dark lord had always been bad on; a short but sweet speech. Voldemorts' memory drifted back to the event, that happened not just 2 hours ago.

_Voldemort looked up, as he heard a noise coming from one of the many floo gates located in the large foyer of the Ministry of magic. As he looked up, his eyes looked straight into the wrinkled – now draining of colour- face of Cornelius Fudge; the latest dunderhead to call himself a 'Minister of Magic'. 'Pssh' thought Voldemort, 'Who wants to be a Government elected official when you can be a world leader!' _

_As the aged fool started to stutter out the obvious things, such as the fact that the dark lord has returned, Voldemort rolls his eyes and stood up, still looming over Potter who looked like a scared youngster that had been caught while trying to hide form 'bath-time'. It was times like these that the internal voice on consciousness, that had basicly given up on trying to make Voldemort a better person and has simply turned into a pessimistic observer, decided to speak up,sound like one of his deans back at the Orphanage he stayed at back in his youth._

"_oh, poop, guess the cats' out of the bag now, isn't it, Tom?"_

_Voldemort cursed under his breath, suppressing the urge to flip off everyone in the foyer, turned around and dissapperated._

Back to the couch he now lay on, eye twitching and lip sneering, he growled in frustration at the lack of positive turn outs of the evening, even thinking about it made him so angry..._**CRACK! **_Voldemort looked down at his had to find two more therapy walnuts crushed in his frustration, he sighed and popped them in his mouth, chewing angrily and gulping them down. But Voldemort felt he needed for than a few Therapy walnuts to help him cheer up this evening. He lugged himself off the couch and dragged himself like a moody teenager would, over to the liquor cabinet, Swinging it open, he grabbed for the largest bottle of firewisky and started to pour it into his glass.

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okay, thats chapter one out of the way, if i get my act together, chapter two might be on its wat soon! :D please review, I love to know what people think!


	2. Chapter 2

I'd like to say that I own only a laptop and one sock, none of these include harry potter or anyother brilliant writing. Harry potter is property of J.K. Rowling ALONE!

Yes, this is going to be a chapter story for one (WOOW!) but the chapters will be short and to the point. All reviews will be tresured! If you remember my previous stories, this one will be no different! Buckle up!

Crack!Fic

ideas provided by: Lita

help-getting-off-my-ass by: Ducky'sgirl4ever ( I know I said it'd be done by fed, but...im lazy, sorry!)

* * *

Right chapter two is a short one, but #3 should be big (hehe, 'thats what she/he said' XP)

Severus Snape was sitting in his house at Spinner's End, he had tired long ago to live at Hogwarts full-time, but soon gave up, after he found some ghosts sleep-walked, spied, and gossiped. None of which happened in his favour, and so, every night, after grading, he would floo over to his place of residence and rest there.

Today had been a very long day for Severus, playing 'good wizard, bad wizard' was getting very tedious and it didn't help he had the feeling that his day would continue on into the night. Severus was utterly correct.

With a book in his hand, he went to sit down by the fireplace, just in case someone was in dire need to piss off the potions master. Not long after Severus had gotten comfy, the faire roared to life in a whirl of green flames, and Lucius Malfoys' head popped out of the fire place, his look of amusement instantly worrying.

"ah, Severus, I see you're not too busy. Excellent, you see we are needed in at head-quarters" said Lucius smoothly, not even waiting for Snape' reply, his disappearance and the fire died down to its' usual red flame.

Snape sighed and closed his book, since there was no one to say 'I told you so' he left for headquarters without another word. When he arrived there, he was greeted with a swave-looking Malfoy senior and...an empty room.

Severus felt his brows furrow, why on earth would Lucius have summoned him to the Riddle house, if no one would be there, not even the Dark Lord himself? Severus turned back to Lucius, raising a cynical eyebrow, as if asking the over-preening Malfoy why he was needed here.

"He's absolutely drunk. There is no two ways about it, he has drunken himself into a stupor that a muggle baby could look after themselves more than he could right now." came Lucius' eloquent reply.

Severus raised his eyebrows in surprise, he knew Voldemort would be angry with the failed attempt of tonights' raid at the ministry, but drinking like a common muggle would seemed a bit below him.

"This won't be good, show me where he is" Snape said, shaking his head.

"Before you go running-off, I'll warn you, he's singing" said Malfoy, glee shining in his eyes.

Snape felt his eyebrows shoot up and to his hair line. Yes, he decided, this would be a long night.

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right, there's chapter two, like I said, up and done pretty soon, lets hope I can do that for the other chapters!

im only going to do a few chapters though, just warning!

again, I love reviews! :D


	3. Chapter 3

Voldemort pouted.

Yes that's right, Voldemort pouted. what else would a 50 year old snake-like, drunk, told-off wizard do? He had been perfectly fine singing, until 'sneer-verus' and 'ludicius' (names he had recenlty made up, while intoxiated) decided to take the hair brush he was singing into, and sat him down.

Voldemort was one put-out dark lord.

But being in the drunken state he was, he was soon energetic enough to start spouting drunk-memoirs.

"hey Sneer-verus! You know what's sad?" slurred one of the most feared dark wizards in history/

"What, my lord?" sighed Snape, he knew the signs well enough, that whatever the dark lord said, he should not take it seriously.

"In all my career as a * Hick* dark lord, I've been beater...4..4...5! 5 times by a kid that can even grow a * Hick* beard yet! That's...That's...That's degrading that it, I mean, ME * Hick* a evil, middle-aged, **bald** wizard, got almost killed by a 3 month old bub...in a * Hick* sailor outfit. It wasn't even a * Hick* cute sailor outfit!" By the time Voldemort finished his ramblings, he had slid down the couch so much, his head was in the seat, while the rest of his body was slowly sliding across the floor.

"But will all be worth it in the end, when you conquer the world and become our ruler, and all the mud bloods and half-bloods will be our slaves" Snape replied, conjuring a bean bag under Voldemorts body, where he had fell on the floor.

"And remember, Sire. No matter what he tried, you're invincible." Lucius soothed to the Dark Lord, sitting on the other side of Voldemort, trying to calm him down.

"Ha! You don't know the * Hick* half of it, you guys- I really like you guys * Hick* you know that?-you know how he can see what I see and feel cause of * Hick* that Boo-Boo on his forehead?" Voldemort was starting to try and sit up now, but the leather of the chair caused him to simply slide down the chair again, in a more uncomfortable position that the last time. Mean while, Severus and Lucius where rolling their eyes. After a while of the Dark Lords' struggle, Severus gave in and transformed the chair into a couch, letting Voldemort lie on it side ways, much to his content.

"Well, what everyone forgets is that * Hick* it's a two way street! I can see his thoughts, feeling and view point two! He's so * Hick* depressing..and then like **really** horny, I fell like a paedophile sometimes at his thoughts! * Hick* Did you know that Potter- Grr, stupid eye twitch- * Hick* had like a tinsey-winsey crush on...guess who Severus?" Voldemort grinned like a little gossiping teenager at Snape. Snape felt a dreading feeling he didn't want to know.

"um, who My Lord?"

"She's one of the staff! That * Hick* that Quiditch teacher! And boy, he was imaginative, I know, I * Hick* know about all the...is it inyouendos?"

"Innuendos, My lord" drawled Lucius, smirk thinly veiled.

"Thank you, Lucius...I like your hair * Hick* today...did you wash it?...I wish I had hair * sniffle* anyway, was I * Hick* talking about?" Voldemorts slurring was becoming more melancholy, and his red eyes started to go watery at the mention of hair.

"Quiditch teachers, Sire" Snape said quickly, eager not to see a cry Dark Lord.

" oh, right, that's right * Hick*...so Potter had, like a whole week of thinking about dirty Quiditch...you think he has a fetish?" The Dark Lord Voldemort started to pout again, this time in a thinking pose, as he tried to think hard about the fetishes of Harry Potter.

"Anyway" said Voldemort, standing up stumbling. "I'm hungry. Hmm...*Hick* I want...CAKE!" Voldemort yelled in triumph, for thinking was quite a difficult activity for a person who is hammered.

And with that, the dark Lord walked of, Hick upping and stumbling all the way to the Riddle Kitchen.


	4. Chapter 4

"SSSEEEEVVVVEEERRUUUSSS!"

Snape growled deep in his throat, this was NOT what he wanted to spend his night (and early morning) on. Grudgingly he made his way to the Riddle house kitchen. Once he found said room, he carefully opened the door, and peaked in.

Voldemort was baking. Not plotting, not planning some 15 year old death, not scheming ideas to destroy the Government of his country. No. One of the most feared wizards was backing...or trying to at any rate. Said dark lord was currently mixing all the 'ingredients' together. And by that, this author means Voldemort was tossing together all the food he thought belonged in a cake, and other food he thought might make it taste better.

"some for me *glug*, some for the cake *splash*" was the current rhythm that echoed around the kitchen, as Voldemort would, devotedly, pour some brandy into the mixing bowl, and then pour some into his mouth, causing the culinary evil-genius to become steadily more and more drunk. After a while (and once Severus vanished the bottle from the Dark Lord's hand without his noticing) Voldemort was slowly turning the mixture, that would occasionally spill over the bowl rim and splatter on the floor, leaving Severus to grimace at what ingredients lay on the floor, before vanishing that too. After a while Voldemort seemed to have become bored with the mixing and poured it into the cooking tin. And that's where he was when Lucius _finally_ swanned into the room.

It seemed that the intoxicated Dark Lord seemed to have gotten stuck on his baking project. His problem? The spell that cooks said cake.

"Gagh! I simply cannot remember that damn spell for the cake! Hmm... um...Bake-ius? No. Bake-io? No, not that either. SEVERUS!" By this point, the dark lord have, twice, stuck his wand in the batter of the cake, and had now swung the wand, batter covered and all, towards Severus, who was as amused as he was afraid of this drunken evil lord.

Heaving a sigh, he answered "Yes, my lord?"

What's that damn spell that cooks a cake? I can't remember it!"

" I believe that it is 'crustulum', my liege." drawled the potions master of Hogwarts.

"ah, thank Severus! Ah-hem. _CRUSTULUM!_" and with a anticlimactic 'whoosh' the cake was cooked, and soon Voldemort started to cut up slices for himself and the two other death eaters in his kitchen. Said other death eater looked slightly apprehensive of eating the questionable food that their Dark Lord called a 'cake', but grudgingly – as not to hurt his feelings- they pretended to be served, and look joyful at the opportunity to eat what their master had cooked.

But before they could pretend to eat the food, the Dark Lord had fallen to sleep in a drunken stupor. The two men let out a sigh of relief, and soon shared a look of pure mischievousness.


	5. Chapter 5

'It was bright. Far too bright' thought the dark lord as he slowly, grudgingly started to wake. As he regained more and more awareness, he started to figure out where he was.

He was in his bed.

Usually this wasn't an uncommon occurrence for the Dark Lord, but what confused him is how did he get there, as far as he could remember he passed out drunk...

'oh, Merlin. What have I done?' thought the Voldemort as he felt dread settle over his hungover state. As the Dark Lord started to survey his chambers, he found that all seemed to be in order, there was nothing that could incriminate him, or kick him in the evil backside later.

That was until he glanced at the rest of his king-sized bed.

There was fur everywhere. On the pillows, the moth-eaten sheets, everywhere. Fur was covering everything on the side of the bed. Voldemort felt bile rise up in his throat, and he could feel his face transect between colours of pale, red flush, blue and then settled on green, unlike his churning stomach which was decidedly_ unsettled._ Feeling as though he was going to be sick, Voldemort rushed to the derelict bathroom, and properly emptied all that he ate the night before, including the inedible cake he had made while intoxicated.

While he rinsed his mouth afterwards, millions of scenarios flashed into his mind, some more scary than others. He felt his brows knit together as he felt himself thinking what origin hair came from. 'what animal could it have been?' As he pondered all the different types of animals that had unremarkable mousy-brown fur, he heard the door of his chambers knocking. Voldemort cleared his throat in a masculine fashion, before beckoning in the person outside.

Voldemort felt a sigh expel him, as he saw Worm tail scuttle in, timid, shy and shaking as usual. As he began to stutter out a simple "good morning, My Lord", Voldemort felt compelled to stop the stutter, that acted as a thousand mini _crucio's _on his mind.

"STOP! Just, stop, with your annoying, irritating prattle, Wormtail." The hungover, Dark Lord, felt all his anger merge wit his pain, and morph into words, directed at Peter Pettigrew.

"I-I-I, yes master, I'm S-Sorry." stuttered out a now terrified Peter Pettigrew, quivering and rattling the silver breakfast-laden try in front of himself.

"Argh! I am so tired of you! You have NO spine, your voice doesn't go above a whisper! You look completely plain, there's not a hint of scariness about you! seriously, how many people are you going to scare – apart from a muggle house-wife – with your looks? Weepy eyes, cowering figure and mousy-brown hair..."

Voldemort stopped in his rant, and for the second time that morning, he felt himself drain of colour in his already pale face. He realised where he recognized the fur on his bed from...it was the exact same shade the Wormtails', and on closer inspection of Wormtail, Voldemort found the whimpering death eater to have chunks of hair missing, and several scratches adorning himself, that the Dark Lord could see. As he felt bile rise in his throat, he quickly shooed Wormtail from his chamber, before -again- empting his stomach in the bathroom.

For the next few days, Voldemort lay low, he kept to himself, and didn't speak to any of his death eaters, apart from a simple sentence. "Leave me."

* * *

(The evening on the drunken-ness.)

Severus Snape was cruel, correct.

He was malicious, correct again.

But, unfortunately, Severus Snape was not one to think outside the square.

Lucius Malfoy, on the other hand, could easily think of at least 10 odd plans that could be one would definitely find unusual, if not insane.

So when both men found themselves in the Riddle kitchen, a potentially poisonous cake poised at their mouths, and a completely unconscious Dark Lord laying, snoring across the island table from them, they simply couldn't help themselves.

Truly, dear reader, it was as if possessed, that they put the cake down, steepled their fingers and grinned in such a way, that if they had ever heard of 'The Grinch', they would have been very proud that their sly grins matched – if not bested- said green-furred creature. Barley less than a minute later, both men were walking behind the floating form of the passed out Voldemort. As they walked along, Lucius' sharp, grey eyes spotted Peter Pettigrew, cowering in the corner on the hallway, and beckoned him over.

"Ah, peter, excellent, just the man we wanted." Greeted Lucius, much to Peters delight. Peter Pettigrew always like to please people, as long as he got something back for it, and peter saw this friendly greeting, by a man known to be one of the closest to the Dark Lord, very beneficial to his rank in his dark Lords ring.

"ah, yes, Lucius. What can I do for you?" Pettigrew said, his words full of false pleasantries, that sent completely unpleasant shivers down Snapes' spine.

"Oh, nothing much, Wormtail. Just count to ten, if you please" Lucius pushed out through tight-pursed lips.

As Wormtail began to count, Lucius shot a quick stunning spell at the mousey-man in question. Snape watched, curious as Lucius proceeded to magically shave off parts of Wormtails' hair, duplicate it, and send a quick spell to Pettigrew that gave him the appearance of small scratches, but no actual pain. A perfect spell for those who wanted pity, but not pain, a Malfoy spell speciality. After all this, Lucius left Pettigrew on the ground, stunned, and proceeded to float Voldemort of to his chambers.

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Once they had deposited the Dark Lord in his decaying bed, they proceeded to change his into his bedclothes, and then sprinkle Peter Pettigrews' hair all over the bed, grinning like Cheshire cats the whole time. Once done, they brushed their hands, nodded to each other, and left the room, each man going in his own direction.

And that, dear readers is why the Dark Lord Voldemort, was missing-in-action for most of Harry Potters 6th year.

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Authors note: AARGH! I'm really sorry for my late-ness in updating, I have no other excuse apart from I was lazy, but now I have finally finished it! (YAY!) it took far to long, and was riddled with stupid-ness, but it's done now.

Disclaim; I don't own Harry Potter!

Dedication; to all those who bothered to read this, and review it, you make me happy :) and to Ducky, (mentioned in first chapter) who kept telling me to write more, even when I just wanted to curl up alone, thanks :D

well...that's me, I'm done! :D


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